Ali Abdaal - Watch this if you feel like you’re behind in life
The discussion centers around the concept of mimetic desire, as explained in Luke Burgess's book, which suggests that people often feel behind in life due to desires modeled after others. This feeling arises when individuals compare their current state (Point A) with where they think they should be (Point B), often influenced by the achievements of peers or societal expectations. The video explores how mimetic desire originates from two worlds: 'celebran' (celebrities) and 'fresh manisan' (peers), and how these influences can lead to setting goals that may not align with one's true desires. Practical strategies are offered to mitigate these effects, such as identifying thick versus thin desires, setting boundaries with unhealthy mimetic models, and creating positive flywheels of desire. The emphasis is on understanding and pursuing authentic desires to reduce feelings of inadequacy and to set meaningful goals.
Key Points:
- Mimetic desire causes feelings of falling behind by modeling desires after others.
- Identify thick (enduring) versus thin (superficial) desires to align goals with true interests.
- Set boundaries with unhealthy influences, such as unfollowing triggering social media accounts.
- Create positive flywheels of desire to reinforce authentic goals and reduce feelings of inadequacy.
- Focus on personal, meaningful desires to set goals that energize rather than drain.
Details:
1. Introduction: The Feeling of Falling Behind in Life 📉
- Many people experience a pervasive feeling of falling behind in life, comparing themselves to peers who appear to have achieved key life milestones such as career success, marriage, or starting a family.
- This sense of falling behind is linked to 'mimetic desire,' a concept discussed by Luke Burgess in his book 'Wanting: The Power of Mimetic Desire in Everyday Life.'
- The episode aims to break down insights from Burgess's book, forming part of a series where the host shares distilled highlights from various books over the past five years.
2. Part 1: Why We Feel Behind in Life and Understanding Mimetic Desire 🤔
- Many individuals feel behind in life due to a perceived gap between their current state (Point A) and where they believe they should be (Point B), such as achieving a higher salary or launching a business.
- This feeling is exacerbated when there is an internal belief that they should have already accomplished these goals, leading to feelings of inadequacy and failure.
- Understanding why these desires exist is crucial, with the video focusing on the concept of mimetic desire—where desires are influenced by what others want.
- Mimetic desire plays a significant role in shaping personal goals and aspirations, often leading individuals to pursue goals based on societal influences rather than personal values.
- The video aims to delve deeper into mimetic desire and provide actionable strategies to help individuals manage its impact on their sense of self-worth and personal satisfaction.
3. Part 2: What is Mimetic Desire and Where It Comes From 🔍
- Mimetic desire is illustrated by the story of a friend who is about to receive a $220,000 salary increase and a promotion, causing the narrator to feel anxious and second-guess their own life choices.
- The concept of mimetic desire was first introduced by French philosopher René Girard, which suggests that desires are often modeled after others, leading to potential inner conflict if left unchecked.
- Mimetic desire can originate from two distinct sources: 'Celebristan,' the land of celebrities, and 'Freshmanistan,' the land of people like us, such as peers and family.
- People often model desires after celebrities and influencers whom they have never met, while also modeling desires from peers and family, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy or the perception of falling behind.
- The narrator provides personal examples of how mimetic desire influenced their life choices, such as pursuing publications in med school or comparing software growth rates in their current career.
- While mimetic desires can be positive and inspire social connections or healthier goals, they can become problematic if they lead to chasing goals that are not personally meaningful.
- The obsession with goal setting, without proper selection of meaningful goals, can lead to self-flagellation and feelings of inadequacy, emphasizing the importance of choosing authentic desires.
- The narrative stresses the importance of journaling and reflection to understand and select authentic desires, which can drastically change life goals and actions.
4. Part 3: Identifying Thick vs. Thin Desires 🌟
- Thick desires are deeply embedded, enduring, and provide deep fulfillment, often rooted since childhood.
- Thin desires are influenced by others and are more superficial, often fading quickly.
- The example given involves a thick desire for teaching, consistent throughout the individual's life, versus thin desires for business growth after attending conferences, which fade within three days.
- Key questions to differentiate desires include: Has this been a long-term desire? Does it energize or drain me? Would I want it if no one knew I achieved it?
- The Voice Pal app offers guided frameworks to help identify thick versus thin desires, available for free trial on iOS and Android.
5. Part 4: Discover Stories of Fulfillment and Michelin Stars 🌟🌟
- Identify 'stories of fulfillment' by recalling times when actions led to a lasting sense of accomplishment, such as directing a medical school pantomime that highlighted teamwork and creation.
- Use the Michelin stars metaphor to assess personal success markers, questioning their alignment with personal desires.
- Contrast examples include Bernard Loo's tragic reaction to losing a Michelin star and Marco Pierre White's retirement from the Michelin pursuit, illustrating different approaches to success.
- Encourage personal reflection on whether pursued success metrics (personal 'Michelin stars') truly align with individual desires or are externally imposed.
- Exercise: List and question if your success metrics are personally valued or imposed by societal standards.
6. Part 5: Setting Boundaries with Unhealthy Mimetic Models 🚧
- Establish digital boundaries by unfollowing or muting people on social media who trigger feelings of inadequacy or unhealthy comparison. For instance, unfollowing entrepreneurs flaunting luxury items can prevent desires for unnecessary luxury.
- Curate social media feeds to eliminate sources that prompt unhealthy desires. Recognize that people followed on social media serve as models of desire, whether intended or not.
- Create mental boundaries by pausing to reflect on whether desires are authentically personal or borrowed from others. Journaling can help in identifying the root of these feelings.
- Establish physical boundaries by distancing from individuals who inspire envy or unwanted desires, thereby maintaining personal contentment.
- Exercise caution with self-proclaimed experts, particularly in fields that do not require demonstrable expertise, such as productivity. Experts in hard sciences are less likely to be mimetically chosen due to the necessity of showing work.
- Favor sources that have stood the test of time over those who gain expertise through popularity or public proclamation.
7. Part 6: Creating Positive Flywheels of Desire and Conclusion 🔄
- The concept of 'positive flywheels of desire' emphasizes creating momentum around one's authentic desires, which can lead to improved life outcomes.
- The choices we make today influence what we will want tomorrow, exemplified by the decision to start working out, leading to healthier eating, and declining social invites that hinder fitness goals.
- By aligning actions with mimetic desires, such as wanting to look good like a friend, the positive flywheel can enhance life rather than detract from it.
- Understanding mimetic desire encourages reflection on whether one is pursuing personal goals or simply feeling behind in someone else's race.
- Focusing on 'thick desires'—long-standing, energizing goals—can reduce feelings of inadequacy by aligning life evaluations with personal values rather than external standards.
- Using authentic desires to set positive goals can foster self-recognition of progress rather than dissatisfaction with unmet milestones.