The Holistic Psychologist - Why you became a people pleaser
The speaker explores the dynamics of families that avoid addressing conflicts and emotions, often referred to as 'under the rug' families. In such families, conflicts are ignored, and emotional issues are not discussed, leading to a pattern of emotional repression. This can result in children growing up without learning how to handle conflicts or express emotions effectively. The speaker identifies signs of such family dynamics, including ignoring major issues, avoiding conflict, and discouraging emotional expression. To heal from these dynamics, the speaker suggests starting a journaling practice to express feelings, becoming aware of tendencies to be overly agreeable, and practicing direct communication. These steps aim to help individuals become more comfortable with expressing emotions and addressing conflicts, ultimately leading to healthier relationships.
Key Points:
- Families that avoid conflict teach children to repress emotions and ignore issues.
- Signs of 'under the rug' families include ignoring major problems and avoiding conflict.
- Journaling can help individuals express emotions and understand their feelings.
- Being aware of tendencies to be overly agreeable can aid in personal growth.
- Practicing direct communication is crucial for building healthier relationships.
Details:
1. 🧹 Introduction to "Under the Rug" Families
- Growing up in emotionally repressed families teaches avoidance of conflict, often leading to unresolved issues and emotional suppression.
- Children in these families are encouraged to ignore uncomfortable situations rather than address them, which stunts emotional growth and empathy development.
- Family dynamics discourage open communication, resulting in a lack of healthy conflict resolution skills and potential long-term emotional consequences.
- Examples include avoiding discussions about feelings and pretending problems do not exist, which can lead to anxiety and relationship issues in adulthood.
2. 🚪 Signs of Avoiding Conflict
- Families that avoid conflict often exhibit a pattern where disputes are ignored post-conflict, leading to unresolved issues. For instance, after an argument, family members may physically separate and later interact as if the disagreement never occurred, demonstrating avoidance rather than resolution.
- This behavior creates a cycle where conflicts remain unaddressed, perpetuating similar issues in the future. For example, a family may consistently ignore discussions about financial disagreements, leading to repeated misunderstandings and stress over time.
- Avoidance prevents effective communication and understanding, which are crucial for resolving conflicts and improving relationships. By not addressing conflicts directly, families miss opportunities to strengthen their communication skills and resolve underlying issues.
3. 🐘 Ignoring the Elephant in the Room
- Families often ignore significant issues, such as a parent's drinking problem or depressive behavior, leading to a culture of denial. This behavior creates an environment where children feel something is wrong but see adults acting as if everything is normal, leading to confusion and stress.
- This environment teaches children to ignore problems, as they mimic adult behavior and adopt denial as a coping mechanism. This cycle of denial can result in children failing to address their issues as they grow older, perpetuating the cycle.
- Ignoring such problems can lead to severe consequences, including mental health issues, strained relationships, and a lack of problem-solving skills. Addressing these issues openly can prevent the negative impact on children's development and family dynamics.
4. 😶 Absence of Conflict
- Conflict is a natural and normal part of every relationship, and learning to work through conflict can strengthen relationships and build trust.
- Families that avoid conflict by repressing feelings may appear harmonious on the outside but often harbor pain and resentment due to unaddressed emotional needs.
- Effective conflict management strategies include open communication, active listening, and addressing issues as they arise rather than allowing them to fester.
- Common conflicts in relationships often revolve around miscommunication, unmet expectations, and lack of understanding, which can be resolved through empathy and negotiation.
5. 😢 Emotional Repression and Sensitivity
- Highly sensitive children often face emotional repression in environments where sensitivity is discouraged, impacting their emotional development.
- Parents who cannot manage their own emotions may invalidate their child's emotional experiences, hindering the child's ability to express and understand their feelings.
- Healing from these experiences requires understanding the impact of past interactions and involves strategies such as seeking therapy, practicing emotional awareness, and building supportive relationships.
6. 📝 Healing Step 1: Journaling
- Journaling helps understand and express feelings, especially when discussing them feels awkward or uncomfortable.
- Starting with writing feelings or unsent letters can ease into expression.
- Using pen and paper builds comfort and confidence in self-expression.
- Journaling is private, fostering a safe space for emotional exploration.
7. 🤝 Healing Step 2: Noticing Agreeability
- Develop awareness of when you are being overly agreeable, especially in situations where you prioritize others' desires over your own.
- Identify specific instances where you agree or comply to avoid conflict or uncomfortable conversations.
- Reflect on your motivations for being agreeable, such as a desire for approval or fear of rejection.
- Implement strategies to express your true feelings more confidently, like practicing assertive communication or setting boundaries.
8. 🗣️ Healing Step 3: Practicing Directness
- Practicing directness can initially feel uncomfortable, especially for those unaccustomed to it, as it may seem rude or bossy.
- Avoid self-judgment during the practice of directness and focus on expressing needs clearly.
- Indirect communication forces others to guess our needs, hindering effective connection and fulfillment of those needs.
- Understanding family dynamics and the healing process is key, and progress requires consistent practice.
- Regular practice of directness leads to increased confidence and better connections in relationships.
- To practice directness effectively, start by identifying specific needs and stating them clearly without ambiguity or apology.
- Role-playing scenarios can be a useful way to practice direct communication in a safe environment.
- Reflect on past interactions to identify when indirect communication was used and consider how directness could have improved the outcome.
9. 💬 Call to Share Experiences
- The request is for individuals from 'under the rug' families to share the struggles they face, indicating a focus on personal experiences and community support.