The Holistic Psychologist - You will do these things if you were ignored growing up
The speaker explains that being heard is a fundamental human need, and when children are not listened to by their parents, it can lead to significant emotional and relational issues in adulthood. The video outlines several signs that indicate someone was not heard as a child, such as feeling overwhelmed when expressing needs, over-explaining, filling silences, bringing conversations back to oneself, emotionally dumping, dominating conversations, not speaking up, and feeling overwhelmed in groups. These behaviors stem from a lack of validation and understanding in childhood, leading to anxiety and difficulties in forming healthy relationships. The speaker encourages viewers to become aware of these patterns and work towards more open and direct communication to improve their relationships.
Key Points:
- Being heard is essential for emotional well-being; lack of it in childhood leads to adult communication issues.
- Signs of not being heard include over-explaining, dominating conversations, and feeling anxious in groups.
- These behaviors often result from a lack of validation and can hinder relationship growth.
- Awareness of these patterns is the first step towards change and improving communication skills.
- Practicing direct and open communication can lead to more connected relationships.
Details:
1. 👶 Importance of Being Heard in Childhood
- Being heard is a core need of all humans, and lack of it leads to significant suffering.
- Communication skills are learned from parents starting at birth by observing their interactions.
- Parents teach children how to express needs, say no, and listen to others' experiences.
- Not being listened to by parents can have lifelong impacts, creating patterns that push others away.
- Awareness of habits formed due to not being heard is the first step to change.
2. 😟 Stress and Overwhelm When Expressing Needs
- Individuals feel stressed and overwhelmed when expressing needs, often due to childhood experiences where they were ignored or shamed, leading to a lack of security and validation.
- This emotional response can trigger a fight-or-flight reaction, making it difficult for individuals to communicate their needs and emotions effectively.
- These childhood experiences cause the nervous system to perceive self-expression as unsafe, affecting adult communication.
- To overcome these challenges, individuals can benefit from therapy focusing on building self-worth and learning healthy communication strategies, thereby reducing the perceived threat when expressing needs.
3. 🔄 Over-Explaining as a Coping Mechanism
3.1. Origins of Over-Explaining
3.2. Effects and Management
4. 🤐 Discomfort with Silence and Conversations
4.1. Causes of Discomfort with Silence
4.2. Managing Discomfort with Silence
5. 🔄 Redirecting Conversations to Personal Experiences
- People who felt unheard in childhood often redirect conversations to their own experiences, aiming to build connections but often leading to others feeling unheard.
- To counteract this, developing curiosity about others' experiences is crucial. This can be achieved by consciously asking more about others' perspectives and stories.
- Improving listening skills involves active strategies such as summarizing what the other person says and asking follow-up questions to show genuine interest.
- Examples include using phrases like 'Tell me more about that' or 'How did that make you feel?' to encourage the speaker to elaborate.
- Balancing the conversation by sharing your experience only after fully understanding the other person's point is key to effective communication.
6. 💬 Emotional Dumping and Sharing Boundaries
- Emotional dumping can occur when someone shares too much personal information too quickly, without considering the appropriateness of the context or the listener's readiness.
- Oversharing personal details with strangers is risky because not everyone is trustworthy, which can lead to vulnerability or exploitation.
- Trust requires building over time by observing whether individuals are consistent and reliable in their interactions.
- A pattern of oversharing may stem from not feeling heard in childhood, leading individuals to seek validation by sharing with multiple people.
- To avoid emotional dumping, it's crucial to set boundaries by gradually sharing information as trust is established, rather than overwhelming new acquaintances with personal stories.
7. 📢 Dominating Conversations and Defensive Behavior
- Individuals who were not heard or felt ignored during childhood may develop a habit of dominating conversations by increasing their volume or interrupting others.
- This behavior stems from the assumption that they will not be heard, leading to a controlling or defensive demeanor in discussions.
- Such dominating behavior can inhibit personal growth in relationships by preventing the reflection and feedback necessary for self-awareness and development.
- When in a defensive state, individuals may unintentionally communicate disinterest or a lack of value for others' perspectives, which could otherwise facilitate personal growth.
- To mitigate these behaviors, individuals can practice active listening and self-reflection to understand the root causes of their actions, promoting healthier communication patterns.
8. 🤐 Patterns of Silence and People-Pleasing
- Individuals may develop a pattern of 'fawning,' where they focus on pleasing others to avoid conflict.
- Some people stop trying to communicate their needs or opinions because they feel unheard or hopeless.
- This behavior leads to silence and prioritizing others' needs over their own, sometimes resulting in a loss of personal voice.
- To address these patterns, individuals can benefit from assertiveness training and setting clear personal boundaries.
- Examples of people-pleasing include saying 'yes' to every request or suppressing personal opinions in group settings.
- The consequence of these patterns often includes increased stress and resentment, highlighting the importance of self-expression.
9. 😰 Anxiety in Crowds and Group Situations
- Individuals who felt ignored during upbringing may develop anxiety in group settings, often feeling overwhelmed and awkward.
- A significant challenge is determining when to contribute to conversations, particularly in larger groups, which can heighten anxiety.
- Anxiety often leads to an inward focus, making it difficult to engage and be present in conversations.
- Strategies to cope include practicing active listening, preparing topics in advance, and seeking smaller group interactions to build confidence.
- Personal anecdotes reveal that many find relief by gradually exposing themselves to larger groups, starting with familiar settings.
10. 🔍 Recognizing and Changing Unheard Patterns
- Unaddressed childhood experiences of not being heard can significantly affect interpersonal relationships and self-perception, often leading to feelings of disconnection or misunderstanding.
- Individuals should observe their behavior over several days in different interactions to identify recurring patterns of feeling unheard or ignored.
- Examples of these patterns include consistently feeling overlooked during conversations or having difficulty expressing oneself clearly.
- Awareness of these patterns is the first step towards becoming more open, direct, and connected in relationships.
- Strategies for change include actively practicing listening skills, seeking feedback from trusted individuals, and engaging in self-reflection to understand underlying causes.
- Implementing these strategies can lead to improved communication and stronger, more fulfilling relationships.